Fate Or Mistakes
by SoGrey
Summary: A/U Olivia and Elliot deal with their mistakes. Or is it fate? Definitely E/O and I'm not the best at summarizing. Just read it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine, but I'm sure you all know this.**

**I made a few changes and reposted this. So, enjoy. R&R and... yeah.  
**

Elliot:

I can not tell you what the hell I was thinking, and I'm guessing the reasoning behind this is because I wasn't fucking thinking at all. At least not with the head on my shoulders, if you know what I mean. I can't believe I just said that. Thought that. Whatever. It had been a rough week, and though that is no excuse, it's all the explanation I can give. The only excuse I have.

We had just tied up a case that we'd been working on for nearly 3 months. Some sick psycho bastard had been plucking little girls off the subway, and the LIRR, raping them, torturing them and leaving them to die all over the city. Huang developed us a profile and eventually we had ourselves a pretty good suspect, but not enough evidence to arrest him according to Alex Cabot's, our ADA's boss. It took three more murders, before he was actually caught in the act of raping an 11 year old girl behind an abandoned warehouse. We were called in, and there was an hour long standoff as he held her hostage. Then the perp put a bullet in the little girls head before turning his gun on himself. I know we can't win them all, but it doesn't ease the guilt of not being able to prevent things like that when it's your job.

Then as if working the case wasn't hard enough, Kathy and I were at each others throats constantly over my hours and my job and my lack of communication. How much mayo she put on my sandwich. Deleting her episode of Oprah to TiVo the Yankee's game. Who was hogging the blanket at night. She accused me of everything from having an affair, to having a midlife crisis, and caring enough about my family. There were truths, and there were low blows until the kicker came. She told me that she thought maybe we should separate for a while until I learned how to keep my priorities straight.

My fucking priorities straight?! My priorities are to provide for my family and keep them safe which I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job of, but how could I explain that to her so that she'd actually understand? Explain that every little body I find discarded in alleys and dumpsters, every little boy or girl kidnapped or abused or abandoned… I see my kids faces and it makes it impossible to walk away from this job. I tried to explain to her that I was working my ass off for my family, but she wasn't hearing it. Looking back I realize Kathy had always been that way. Everything has to revolve around her, or she feels like you just don't care enough about her. So I end of feeling guilty for being pissed, or doubting myself, wondering if the things she says are true. So when she told me we should separate, I temporarily lost my sanity. But despite all of this, nothing, and I mean nothing justifies my actions on that night.

It was 11pm when I finished at the precinct, and I wasn't ready to go back to the hotel (I'd moved out of the house the day before) and decided to have a beer at a pub not far from where I was staying. One beer turned into 7, 3 bourbons, and 2 shots of Patron. The Patron shots, I took with 'her'. She walked into the pub around midnight, and I swear to you the room got so quiet you could hear a pin drop, but she seemed oblivious to the attention because she walked straight to the bar, sat, and ordered a beer. I found myself, with every other male in the pub, staring.

The woman was fucking gorgeous. Her brown hair was streaked with bits of blonde and was cropped to hang just above her shoulders. She was slender with legs that seemed to stretch from New York to Miami, but what got me was her eyes. I was closest to her, so she must have felt me staring because she looked over. Her eyes, God help me, I got lost in the. Chocolate brown, and so expressive. I wanted her right then and there, and if Satan himself walked into that damn pub, I would have sold my soul to him in a heartbeat just to have her. Yeah, good 'ole Catholic Elliot Stabler had stepped out for the evening, along with his common sense.

Anyway she gave me a little smile, and that broke the ice. We started chatting, and about 2 hours later we were talking like old friends instead of strangers who'd just met in a bar. We joked around a bit, before each of us told the other why they were out alone having drinks at the bar alone. I told her about Kathy and our issues, and she listened sympathetically. She told me about her boyfriend she'd just broken up with because it turned out that the bastard had been married and it was eating her up, so I promised to go find the bastard and kick his ass. Yeah, we did that whole misery loves company bit, and before I knew it we were stumbling through the door to my hotel room, lips locked, fighting to remove each others clothing without breaking contact.

It was Elliot that suggested they leave the pub. "Where are we going?" Olivia asked.

"My hotel is just down the street." he wasn't asking her if she wanted to come. He was telling her that's where they were going, and she followed him without question.

They held hands all the way there, but it was when they made it into the elevator that Elliot pushed her against the wall and attacked her mouth with his own. They stumbled blindly down the hall when they reached his floor, he was unbuttoning her pants, she his shirt and he fumbled clumsily with the key card when they made it to his room. He had her pants undone and was pushing her top up when she mumbled "We can't do this right here, cameras" against his lips. He opened his eyes to find out where exactly to slide the key in, but he never let her go.

Every touch, every kiss, every word sent bolts of passion throughout their bodies, and they both decided without words that, at least for the night they were one. The first time he entered her body that night, was nothing but pure Heaven. Elliot had to struggle to keep himself from shouting 'I love you' over and over again, and Olivia used every ounce of self control that she had so that she wouldn't give in and beg him to never leave.

The night was amazing, but we both knew nothing could come of it. She decided that we shouldn't exchange names or numbers, to just enjoy the moment. When she said it, there was a pained look in her eyes that told me it wasn't what she wanted. I felt the same way, and I had no idea why, but I knew as well as she did that it was for the best. But for that night we could pretend, and we did. She wasn't some woman I'd picked up in a bar. For that moment she was… she was perfect, you know? She was love… she was… home.

I pushed back the thoughts I had about never seeing her again as we lay in the bed, a tangle of limbs, stealing kisses between our lovemaking sessions. Yeah, it wasn't sex, I could never think of it as just sex because the intimacy was deeper than physical.

When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. The only thing left behind was a message scrawled on the hotel stationary. 'I wish it could have been more.' Yeah, so did I.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Meant to do this on the first chapter, and I don't feel like going back and editing that so, here it is! I own EVERYTHING! Dick Wolf stole ALL of my ideas, and got rich off of them! In this dream I had… okay, so nothing is mine, except the plotline and a character or two.**

**A/N: This is my firstest L&O: SVU fic so be kind! Constructive criticism is always accepted, and ideas are welcome! I'm really horrible at writing dialogue, so most of this will just be told from Liv and El's POV's. Maybe further along, I'll add someone else's view here and there, but you shall have to wait and see! R&R please!**

Olivia:

I'm not promiscuous, nor am I an easy lay, or a loose woman or whatever the hell they are calling it these days. That night was just… it was a fluke by all means. I only went out because when I got home there was no alcohol in the house, and I damn well needed a drink. I'd never actually been to that pub before, and I don't even know how I ended up there because it's nowhere near my house, but I guess it was fate. Or karma, however you want to look at it.

My day had actually started off pretty good. I didn't get caught in NYC traffic like I usually did, my partner had been far less obnoxious than usual due to fact that he had the flu (He was constantly hitting on me, despite the fact that he was married and up until that day I'd been seeing someone). The case we were working on nonstop for weeks wrapped up sooner than expected after I got the perp to confess, so I got to leave the precinct far earlier than I usually did. I should have known then it was all going to come crashing down. I have never had a 'good day' that lasted a full twenty-four hours, and I don't know why in the hell I thought this day would be an exception to that rule. So being oblivious as I was, I wasn't even slightly bothered when my boyfriend of 6 months didn't pick up when I called. I just assumed that he was probably busy and thought that maybe I'd be working late again. Oh yeah, he was freakin' busy alright.

So seeing as it was barely six a clock, and a beautiful day outside I decided instead of going home that I'd go for a walk, and maybe catch up on reading the book Alex borrowed me a few weeks earlier. I never quite made it to a bench to sit. As I was strolling the path, I stopped short as a little pink soccer ball rolled right in front of me. I stooped to picked it up tossing it back to a cute little redhead who called out to her 'Daddy' that she would 'get it'. I'm sure that you've obviously picked up on where this particular story is heading, don't you? Yep you're right. There he was, _my_ boyfriend right there in the middle of Central Park playing soccer with his little daughter while his wife watched from the blanket they'd obviously been picnicking on. She was a pretty blonde, looked to be about six of seven months pregnant, and let me tell you, I swear my heart fell straight out of my ass. Literally, I had the urge to check my pants to make sure it actually hadn't.

Now I'd like to say I handled it well, that I was cool and calm and rational. For the most part I did. I didn't scream or shout or call a shitload of attention to the situation. Well except for the part where I walked up and socked him as hard as I could right in the mouth without a word. I didn't even look back as his wife shouted at me, and his little girl began to cry asking her daddy if he was okay. I didn't hear the two teenage boys on skateboards telling me how 'fucking awesome' I was. I didn't notice the scathing looks I was getting from a few mothers who'd brought their children out for a day at the park. I didn't notice that I'd dropped Alex's book, I didn't even know in what fucking direction I was walking, I was just numb, until I finally got my wits about me and the gravity of the situation and what had just happened sunk in.

I refused to cry though, I would never give him the satisfaction though it was hard because it hurt like hell what he'd done to me. I thought he was the one you know? And the asshole let me believe that! By the time I made it home and figured out I had nothing to drink my troubles away it was nearly 11. I called a taxi, knowing that later I'd be in condition to drive, asked him to just go 'anywhere but here', and somehow I found myself outside that pub. That damned pub. I don't remember much about entering the place, or if anyone said anything to me in the beginning. Hell, I don't even remember ordering my first drink but I do remember looking to my left into the most incredible set of ocean blue eyes I'd ever seen.

Today I don't remember which one of us started our conversation or how, but I _do_ remember there was never an awkward moment. I think I got approached by a few other guys, but Mr. Blue Eyes gave them each a look that sent them scurrying. Usually that kind of behavior pisses me off, like a man thinks I can't stand up for myself or take care of myself, but with him it was endearing. He told me about his wife, and I felt my heart sink finding out that he was married, then I hated the woman for not being able to appreciate what an amazing man she'd snagged. I didn't know why though, after all I had just met him. But there was something about him that just felt… right, you know? Yeah, it sounds like that love at first sight, soul mate kind of crap that I've never believed in, but there it was staring me in the face and after a few beers and shots of Patron, him being married didn't seem to matter so much.

Now, I'm not the type to have one night stands nor would I ever knowingly and willingly go for a married man but, I couldn't just walk away from him with _nothing. _I had to take _something_ away from my time with him, even if it was just the fact that he'd been mine if only for one night. After the day I'd had, he just made me feel so… good and I felt like I deserved that. So at around 2am we ended up at the hotel where he was staying. We couldn't keep our hands off each other so much so that we barely made it through the door to his room. In between making love were stolen kisses and in between those stolen kisses were secrets and confessions that we'd never shared with anyone else. I told him about my mother, and how I'd be conceived. He told me about his wife getting pregnant the first time and how he'd had a paternity test done without her knowledge because he wanted an excuse not to marry her. He'd been terrified of getting married at such a young age, and he knew deep down that he didn't even love his wife at that point.

It was my idea not to exchange names or numbers. I knew despite their problems, or how he'd felt in the past he really did love his wife and his kids. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself being the other woman, or the reason this man left broke up the family he'd had for the past 16 years. I knew if I had some way to reach him after our night ended, I wouldn't have been able to resist searching for him. There was no way I'd be able to let him go without a fight if I had any means of contacting him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Meant to do this on the first chapter, and I don't feel like going back and editing that so, here it is! I own EVERYTHING! Dick Wolf stole ALL of my ideas, and got rich off of them! In this dream I had… okay, so nothing is mine, except the plotline and a character or two.**

**A/N: Yes this is a short chapter 'cuz I need some reviews. Okay, I'm just being a brat, I'm going to continue writing this whether anyone reads it or not, but until I get some reviews I'll be taking my own sweet time...  
**

Elliot:

The evening after I found the note on the hotel bedside table, I was wracked with guilt. I prayed for forgiveness almost hourly not only to forgive me for breaking the sacred vows I'd taken with my wife, but or dragging that beautiful woman into my mess. I asked God to forgive me for not really regretting what I had done. I came clean with Kathy a week later. We were still separated, and I thought that this would have been it, the straw that broke the camels back. Strangely enough though, she took the news surprisingly calm. All she wanted to know was how well I knew the woman, who she was, and if anything like this had ever happened before. I was sure she'd ask for a divorce, but that night when she didn't I went to confession one more time. I needed forgiveness for actually wishing that she would ask for a divorce.

"_Forgive me father, for I have sinned."_

"_And when was your last confession?"_

"_Nearly three days ago."_

"_Alright, what brings you here my son?"_

"_Tonight I told my wife that I have been unfaithful. That I've broken our wedding vows…" He paused for a moment, feeling himself getting choked up._

"_Well it is good that you were honest. God has surely forgiven you my son."_

"_No but that's not… that's not all. I thought she'd ask me for a divorce…"_

"_And she did not?"_

"_No Father, she did not."_

"_You're feeling guilty because of what you've done and you think you do not deserve her forgiveness, is that it?"_

"_Yes, no… I…" He stopped once more to collect himself and the priest waited patiently for him to continue._

"_I was disappointed. Disappointed that she didn't want a divorce…"_

"_Because of what you've done? And what else?"_

"_Because I fell in love with a complete stranger…" his sobs that he'd been holding in escaped this time._

Kathy asked me to come home the day after I made that confession, and I did. Things went while for a while. She tried to be more understanding about my job, and I tried to spend more time with my family. No drinks after work with the guys, no sleeping at the cribs no matter how late I had to work a case. We did marriage counseling, and family counseling with the kids, but it didn't last. Although neither of us would admit it, we were both acting. Things were still the same, all we'd done was try to hide our true feelings and pretend that things were okay. Only six months after I returned home, we were back to our old ways. The fighting, the accusations, me avoiding returning home at night. One things she never brought up again though was my one night stand. You would think that she'd throw that back in my face every chance she had, but she didn't and I could never quite understand why. We decided to stick it out though, for the sake of our children but looking back I know that did more harm than good. Screaming matches and slammed doors took its toll on them as well as it did us, but for some reason neither of us could walk away. My reasoning was not only did our children need both parents in their lives, but I'd already broken our vows once, and the guilt that I still felt over it was still raw. I refused to let it happen again. I wasn't sure what Kathy's actual reasons were.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia:

During the weeks after my encounter with the blue eyed stranger at the bar, I tried everything that I could to forget about him. It hurt more than finding out my boyfriend whom I thought was the love of my life shattered my illusion. After about a month, I'd been working hard and dating harder, I was able to push the memory further and further to the back of my mind and I started to move on. I started dating a guy Alex introduced me to named Brian Laterner, and he was actually a pretty good catch. Of course considering what happened during my last relationship, I did a full background check and he seemed to check out. Not married, no kids or criminal record. Not even a parking ticket. Yeah, things were looking up for me until that fateful day.

I was at the precinct watching the clock and trying to stop bouncing in my chair. It was Friday afternoon, and Brian had invited my earlier in the week to spend the weekend at his parent's house in the Hamptons. I had spent most of the day, staring off into space and dreaming of the romantic weekend I knew he'd planned. Then the call came in. At an apartment building in the Village a neighbor said she heard screaming coming from the apartment next door to her, and my partner and I were sent to investigate. I didn't make it to the Hamptons that weekend.

"_Police! Open up!" Olivia and her partner were standing in front of apartment 3b, but there no one came to the door nor was there any sound coming from the apartment. Olivia's partner gave her a look, and she nodded her agreement for him to kick the door in. After three hard kicks, the door finally gave, splintering from it's hinges and landing with a loud thud on the carpeted floor._

"_NYPD!" she shouted. The apartment was in disarray, and there were obvious signs of a struggle but the living room was empty. Guns drawn they began to sweep the apartment, Olivia heading toward the kitchen, her partner in the direction of the bedrooms. There was a swinging door blocking the kitchen and the living and she toed it open cautiously before entering. Gun pointed before her, she turned to the left and saw nothing before she heard a small whimper coming from behind. She swung around and suddenly someone barreled into her and she felt a searing pain in her abdomen as the gun fell from her grasp. Stumbling from the force of the blow, she tripped banging her head on the edge of the countertop before everything went black._

I woke up in the hospital some hours later to some serious pain. My partner came into the kitchen shortly after I hit my head and shot the guy who attacked me. Turns out he'd stabbed me when he charged me. He nicked my small bowel, but the doctors fixed me up, and decided to monitor me because of my concussion and my other concussion.

"_Ah, look who's awake. How do you feel Ms. Benson?" Olivia gave the doctor an annoyed look. She hated hospitals and perky doctors._

"_Like running a marathon." replied in a voice that said 'How in the hell do you think I feel?' but Dr. Happy just chucked._

"_You've got a pretty nasty bump on your head from hitting the counter, and we'd like to keep you overnight just to monitor you because I've got a bit of a concussion." This is where her protest began. There was no way in hell she was staying in the hospital, and after ten minutes of trying to convince her otherwise, the doctor agreed to discharge her as long as there was someone she could stay with during the night. Olivia agreed knowing full well she wasn't going to burden someone to take care of her. The doctor continued._

"_The knife didn't cause too much damage. Nicked your small bowel, but we fixed you right up, and stitched up your wound. Lucky for you though, the baby was completely unharmed, but your abdomen will be quite painful for a while, so you should just take is easy for the next few days." Olivia was just nodding, half listening before she realized just what the doctor said._

"_Wait, what?! Baby?! What baby?!"_

So that's how I found out that I was in that 3% bracket of people whom the Trojan Man couldn't save, and I was about 8 weeks along in my unplanned pregnancy. To say I was shocked is a hell of an understatement. I called Brian, but I didn't tell him that I'd been injured. I knew he'd insist on caring for me over the weekend, so I just told him I had to cancel because we'd just gotten an important lead on a huge case we were working on. He was disappointed, but he told me he understood and we'd just have to plan another weekend getaway. Of course I was thinking 'Yeah, right.' Once he found out I was pregnant by some guy whose name I didn't even know.

I ended up at Alex's after she showed up at the hospital and demanded that I come home with her for the weekend. I knew there was no point in arguing with the best ADA the city had ever known, so I gave in albeit reluctantly. That night I broke down and told my friend everything. About my ex whom I didn't know was married, about my one night stand that I did know was married, about being pregnant. She was sympathetic and let me know that whatever I decided to do, she'd stand by me. I love that woman, and I couldn't have a better best friend. We laid in bed, watching movies and eating Ben and Jerry's all night that night, even though most of the time my mind was elsewhere. What was I going to do? Would I keep my baby? And if I did, should I attempt (no matter how fruitless I knew it was) to find the father? Could I actually have an abortion? Should I give it up for adoption? Tell Brian? I know Alex was dying to ask me all these questions out loud, but she didn't push. She always knows I'll tell her things when I'm ready.

I didn't sleep much that night, all of these questions plaguing my mind, but by morning I'd answered at least one of them.

I'd spent hours thinking of my mother and how I'd been conceived. Although she hadn't come close to winning any mother of the year awards, I couldn't help but he grateful that she actually decided to keep me. When I was a teenager, I felt the complete opposite wondering why, if she hated me so much, she'd decided to keep me. There were so many times when she'd scream at me that she hated seeing my face because all she could see was the man who violated her, and I used to wish that God would turn back time, and let her abort me. But when I became a cop, my views changed. I like to think in my profession, I help a lot of people. People like my mother, and if I hadn't been born there would be one less compassionate person in the world trying to make it a better place. I couldn't see myself getting rid of the person who may come up with the cure for cancer, or bring about world peace. Yeah, it's kind of cheesy and farfetched but, cut me a break. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch.

I told Alex my decision, but it was a week later that I came to another decision. I was going to give my baby up for adoption. I just thought that I wasn't capable of taking car of a child on my own. With my career, and the fact that I'd be a single mother, it just seemed like a better idea to give my baby to a family that I know would be able to take care of her emotionally, and financially. My baby deserved a mommy and a daddy, and I thought I wouldn't be able to give him or her that. And there was the fact that the father was a married man and couldn't bear the thought of answering that question one day. 'Mommy, where's my Daddy?'

So I signed up at an agency and when I was six months along I found what I thought was the perfect family for my baby. A little girl. They were perfect. They lived upstate, and couldn't have any children of their own though not from lack of trying. I knew they'd love her as if she were their own, and I knew I'd made the right decision, at first. Until the day my little one was born.

She was two weeks early, and the family I'd chosen had gone out of the country for one last business trip before the arrival of their new daughter. I had Alex call them and let them know what was happening and they booked the first flight they could out of London's Heathrow Airport, but due to weather their flight was delayed, then cancelled until the next day. I'm pretty sure, no I'm positive that if they'd been there at the hospital while I was in labor, things would have gone quite differently.

"_Alright Olivia, one more big push!" the doctor encouraged her, but she was getting so tired, and was in so much pain. She wasn't able to have an epidural because she'd gone into labor so quickly._

"_I can't! I can't push anymore!" she cried, squeezing the life out of Alex's hand who was in the delivery room with her. The poor woman had spent hours wondering if she'd need a cast after it was all over._

"_Come on honey, we can see the head! Just one more push." Olivia let out a strangled scream, and pushed as hard as she could one last time._

"_Alright! Here she is! A beautiful little baby girl!" Olivia fell back on her pillow, exhausted when she heard the most beautiful sound. Her little girls first cry. Alex leaned down and kissed her forehead after the doctors allowed her to cut the cord._

"_Oh Liv! She's so beautiful!" The doctors laid the little one on Olivia's chest, and she fell in love. She touched her little head, tears streaming down her face as she took in the miracle she'd just brought into the world._

"_Hi angel." She was reluctant to let her go, even for the nurses to clean her up, but they assured the new Mom they'd bring her back as soon as they were done. Then it hit her. In two days the couple she'd chosen to be her daughters family would be back in New York in two days to take their little girl home. Alex caught the look on Olivia's face before sitting next to her on the bed just moments before her friend began to sob._

"_Oh God Alex, how am I supposed to let her go?" The blonde sat with her friend, rubbing her back in circles and tried to soothe her._

"_Shh, it'll be alright Liv. Everything's going to be alright."_

When the nurse brought my baby back into the room an hour later, I sat cradling her to my chest, crying the whole time. I was trying to prepare myself to let her go, and damn it was so hard. But when she opened her eyes, I made a decision. They were the same shade of ocean blue of the beautiful strangers with little tiny flecks of brown. I fell apart right then, and knew I couldn't. There was no way I could let her go. I called the agency that very moment and told the worker who'd been handling the adoption that I wouldn't be signing the final form. I couldn't. I asked her to tell the family, because I knew there would be no way I could face them, and see the disappointment and devastation on their faces. And though I regret hurting them so much, I do not regret my decision. Little Isobel Elia Benson is the best thing that ever happened to, only second to my chance encounter with the blue eyed stranger in a pub.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - Okay, UPDATE! Go me! Go me! I've realized looking back at my last posts, that I kinda rushed through and posted them without really proof reading. Sorry! I'll be more careful from now on. Also, kids ages! Let's say Maureen is 19 at this point, Kathleen is 14, and the twins are 11. Just cause I said so. On with chapter 5! And hang on, the E/O is coming, but it's no fun if I don't torture you guys into wondering WHEN DAMMIT, WHEN?!  
**

**Disclaimer: SVU isn't mine. It belongs to the MAN!  
**

Elliot:

Two years after Kathy and I reconciled our second split ended in a divorce. It was my idea, and Kathy fought it every single step of the way but I knew I was doing the right thing. We were staying together for our kids, when I finally realized we weren't helping them. They were miserable, and it was starting to show quite clearly. Maureen moved out the day she turned 18. Kathleen had begun acting out, cutting class, staying out late, talking back and just being outright rude to everyone. Dickie took his anger out on me, and I'm guessing it's because I'm the man of the house, or maybe he just feels like his mother. That everything is my fault. Lizzie was so withdrawn she'd barely speak, and she'd cried at the drop of a hat.

When I told Kathy this, she simply once again insisted that it was my fault, and if I'd get another job, one closer to home without such irregular hours, things would be fine. But I knew she was wrong. The fighting wouldn't have stopped, and I'd just be home more frequently as to add more fights. And I'd be miserable working outside of the 1-6. I filed for the divorce despite her protests though, but she gave me hell before she finally agreed to sign. When we told the kids, they reacted just the way I assumed they would with the exception of Maureen. She wasn't surprised, and was actually quite relieved stating that 'at least the younger kids won't have to put up with the bull as long as I had to.' Kathleen stalked up to her bedroom throwing a 'Whatever' over her shoulder before slamming her door. Dickie hugged his mother after informing me that he hated me, and Lizzie just cried.

The terms of the separation were that Kathy kept the house, and I'd pay alimony and child support for my three youngest kids, since Maureen was already an adult. Things were hard for a while, and I was angry all the time leading up until the divorce was finalized because of Kathy contesting every decision. My visitation rights, the amount of alimony and child support she'd receive, the health insurance benefits. I took it out on everyone at work until finally my partner asked for a transfer, most of the other officers avoided me like the plague, Munch called me an asshole and told me to get over myself and something about the government and divorces that I turned out. Fin and I almost came to blows in the middle of the precinct. Finally after I'd taken out my anger on a perp I was interrogating Cragen told me that if I didn't talk to Huang, and learn to keep my temper in check, I could turn in my badge and gun. The thought of losing my job, the only thing I had anymore set me straight. Even so Cragen put me on ass duty for three weeks because of the fact that he had to deal with IAB because of my behavior. At least he didn't fire me, because at the point I can't say I wouldn't have deserved it.

It took a while but, I finally started to take my life back. I apologized to everyone and began to concentrate more on my job, and spending all the time that I could with my kids. For a while everything was good. Until one night when Kathleen showed up at my door.

_Elliot had just kicked back on the sofa with a beer, preparing to watch ESPN when there was a knock on his door. Looking at the clock, he saw it was nearly 11pm, and he wondered who could be visiting him at such a late hour. Looking through the peephole he was met with his fourteen year old daughters face, and he swung open the door._

"_Katie?! It's 11 o'clock at night! What are you doing out so late?! Does your mother know where you are?!" He was nearly shouting, but Kathleen stood staring at him silently until he stopped talking._

"_Uh, Dad? Are you going to let me in?" Elliot moved aside to let her in when he noticed that she was not only carrying her purse and a school bag, but also a large black duffel bag._

"_Kathleen? What's going on sweetheart?" The girl dropped her bags and flopped down on the couch._

"_I'm coming to live with you." Elliot blinked a couple of times at his daughter before he spoke._

"_Coming to live-? Why?"_

"_I… I…" she stumbled over her words, as her father sat on the couch next to her. He could see she was fighting back tears._

"_You don't want me to stay with you?" she asked, meeting his eyes when finally a tear escaped and began rolling down her cheek. Elliot leaned over pulling his daughter onto his lap, something she hadn't allowed him to do for years, and wrapped his arms around her._

"_Oh, Katie, I didn't mean it that way. Of course I want you here with me. I just want to know what's wrong." He rocked her and rubbed circles on her back, waiting for her to speak._

"_I just don't want to live there anymore. I can't Daddy." she sobbed, and Elliot's heart clenched hearing the anguish in his little girls voice._

"_Honey, you have to tell me what happened?" But Kathleen just shook her head. _

"_Katie, did someone hurt you?"_

"_No Daddy. At least not physically. I just miss you, and I don't want to live with Mom anymore."_

That's all I could get out of her that night. She assured me that no one had done anything to her, and when I called Kathy she told me that they'd had an argument and Kathleen told her she wanted to come and live with me. Since she was old enough to choose, Kathy let her come and even drove her to my house, but I knew there had to be something more. Kathy had fought tooth and nail to keep me from even having visitation rights, but suddenly it was fine that one of our children wanted to live with me full time.

It was also a little strange to me that Kathleen had even wanted come. Though she wasn't as hostile as Dickie was, she'd always preferred her mother over me. Maureen had always been Daddy's girl, and Kathleen had always been Mama's girl. It's just the way things were. But here she was now, begging me to let her stay, to not send her back to Kathy's. But in the end, I was glad that she'd come. I finally got a chance to know my daughter, and found that when she was not sulking, or being rude and obnoxious, she's a pretty terrific kid. Living with me, she started to get better. Her grades picked up and her bad behavior changed, but I knew there was something more. Sometimes when we had dinner, or sat to watch a movie together, I'd catch her staring at me with the saddest look on her face. Whenever I'd ask her about it she'd tell me nothing was wrong, so I decided to sign her up for therapy. She couldn't tell me what was wrong, but I knew she needed to tell someone.

It was a month after she moved in that she decided to confide in me, and what she told me almost caused me a setback.


	6. Chapter 6

_It was Saturday afternoon, and Elliot was sitting in the waiting room of the doctors office waiting for his daughter to finish her therapy session. Finally she walked out of the room, looking so scared he immediately jumped to his feet._

"_Katie?! What is it honey?" He shot an accusing look at her therapist who'd escorted her out._

"_Nothing, it's… I'm… I'm ready to talk to you Daddy." The look on her face showed she was anything but ready, but Kathleen was determined to get what she'd been holding in off her chest. "Can we go home and order pizza?" she asked. Their plan had been to go out for lunch, but Kathleen wanted to be alone with her father when she told him what she had to say._

_Elliot reached out and pulled his little girl into a warm embrace, kissing the top of her head. "Sure we can sweetheart."_

_The ride home from the doctors office was silent, both father and daughter lost in their own thoughts. Elliot was wondering what his daughter had to tell him that had her so scared. There were a million scenarios running through his head, and though his daughter had told him no one had done anything to her, he couldn't help doubting it._

_Kathleen was wondering how she was going to tell her father the dark secret she had been holding. Everyone had always assumed that she was a Mama's girl, for they were so much alike and out of all the kids, Kathleen spent the most time with her. She guessed it was partially true, but the real truth was that she never wanted to be a Mama's girl. She wanted to be Daddy's girl, and she was always jealous of the bond her father shared with her older sister Maureen. She clung to her mother because she assumed her father didn't have enough room in his heart for two Daddy's girls and she wanted to feel most special to at least someone. Up until that night she'd gone to live with her father, she still had dreams of being Daddy's little girl but they'd all but shattered._

_They returned home and ordered pizza, eating in silence until Kathleen sat down the slice she'd barely been nibbling on, and took a deep breath._

"_Daddy?" Elliot looked up from his own pizza and wiped his mouth. He sat back on the couch waiting for his daughter to begin, but of all the scenarios he'd gone through, all of the possibilities of what this conversation could be about, he never expected it to begin with what his daughter said next._

"_I want you to do a paternity test with me."_

My heart nearly stopped. I was stunned beyond reason wondering why in the hell my daughter would make that type of request. For a while that was the only thing she said, because she was crying too hard to continue and I wondered what in the hell her mother had said to her to make her ask me something like that. When I calmed her down enough for her to continue she told me why she asked me to take the paternity test. It turns out her mother and new boyfriend had a very interesting conversation that she'd 'accidentally on purpose' overheard.

_It was nearing 9pm when Kathleen returned home from studying at her friend RoseMarie's friends house. Her studying had consisted of smoking (or rather choking on) marijuana, and watching hours of stupid mindless videos on YouTube. The TV in the living room was off, and she guessed Dickie and Lizzie were sleeping. Luckily her mother was nowhere around, and wouldn't be able to observe her red rimmed eyes, and the fact that she reeked of pot. She didn't even mind that she'd seen Michael's (her mothers boyfriend) car parked in the drive. As she tip-toed up to her room, she noticed her mothers door was slightly ajar and she caught part of the conversation the two were having._

"_Kathy, you know I love you, but I could never sit around and raise another man's kids. Especially that Kathleen. She's a terror." Kathleen made a face and rude gesture towards to door, but continued to listen._

"_Look Michael, Kathleen… she's just going through a rough time right now. She'll get used to us, and she'll be fine."_

"_That still won't change things. I don't want to raise someone else's damn kids!"_

"_Well what if… what if I told you that you wouldn't be? At least for the most part?" Kathleen's eyes widened in shock. Her mother would actually get rid of them, just keep her boyfriend?! The tears sprang to her eyes, but she refused to let them fall, instead continuing to listen._

"_Kathy, what are you talking about?" _

"_The twins… Michael, Lizzie and Dickie are yours. You're their father. I couldn't tell you before because… you were leaving, and you still had your wife and…"_

"_They're mine? How do you know?"_

"_Paternity test." At this point Kathleen was beyond devastated, and livid. Walking forward, she pushed her mothers bedroom door open as hard as she could._

"_You bitch! How could you?!" she cried, as Michael and Kathy jumped in surprise._

"_Kathleen, what are you-?!"_

"_Is Dad really my father?! Is he Maureen's?!" she was screaming at this point, but she didn't care._

"_Kathleen honey, calm down and let me-" but she was cut off._

"_I'm going to live with Dad." This time when she spoke it was barely a whisper, but Kathy heard her._

"_Kathleen, I have custody of you. You can't live with your father, the judge said so."_

"_I don't give a damn about what some fucking judge said! I want to live Daddy!" There was no way in hell she was going to stay in that house. She didn't want to be anywhere near her mother._

"_Kath-" her mother began but was cut off once more._

"_Let me go, or I'll tell what you just told Michael. I'll tell him that the twins aren't his." She began to wonder why her mother was so insistent that she stay. Michael had just told her he didn't want Elliot's kids around, and letting her daughter move out would rectify the situation. But then Kathleen came to the conclusion that either Elliot wasn't her father either, or Kathy just didn't want to lose the child support her father was paying until she was sure Michael was going to stick around. Finally her mother sighed. Her reasoning was the latter, and if she let Elliot find out that the twins weren't his, she'd probably lose custody of Kathleen, and he wouldn't be obligated to support the twins any longer. She couldn't allow that to happen until she was sure Michael was going to stick around.  
_

"_Pack your things, I'll drive you over."_

Once again Kathleen was hysterical, and I was too shocked to do anything but hold her. I couldn't even force myself to tell my daughter that everything would be alright. I couldn't form any words at all.


End file.
